Billy, don’t be a hero.
Pre-set:
The stage is set out with the feel and look of a construction site. The song ‘There’s no business like show business’ is playing on a radio situated on a step-ladder. There is a small brick wall set out in the centre of the space – it is lit with a spotlight. A bucket turned on its head to one side and another filled with cement to the other – a trowel is sticking handle first out of the cement. A man carrying some sandwiches and a cup of tea walks in to the space in builder’s attire: yellow hard hat, high visibility jacket, workers jeans/trousers and a pair of steel toe capped boots. He sits on the lopsided bucket and begins to eat. A light comes up to reveal his face. He then starts to speak.
Clocking an audience member looking at him.
Eyup. You alright are ya? Been here long? Waiting for som’ing? A show perhaps? A story? Yeah? Fair enough. You may be a little disappointed. (re-consider)
He finishes his sandwiches, takes the last swig of his mug of tea.
Ah!
He puts the mug down and continues building the wall that is already part constructed.
Well, if you’re here for a show then I can say you’re not gonna really get one… but, if you’re here for a story I’ve got a good ‘un, it’s about three Billy’s who needed to escape and found it. I wanted to be an actor. Yeah, I know – fat bastard wants to be on stage – as what? Christopher Biggins body double?
I mean, don’t get me wrong. I studied for it. GCSE, A-level and even a degree. It wasn’t until I reached A-level that I decided I wanted to do it.
I played this old bird called Madame Arcati, medium she was, this clairvoyant weirdo who went with whatever she wanted to. In many respects, she was a lot like me – outgoing, outspoken and a bit of an outsider. I remember playing her – in this big ol’ dress with a stupid turban on. A fucking turban like. I felt like a right dick, but then I walked on stage and forgot all about that.
He picks up the lopsided bucket and starts to mimic Madame Arcati’s mannerisms and speeches talking to the audience as he does.
I’m afraid I’m rather late; but I had a sudden presentiment that I was going to have a puncture so I went back to fetch my pump.
Going over to a member of the audience.
Doctor Bradman! The man with the gentle hands.
Coming out of Madame Arcati’s character. Becoming himself again.
And that was her. Yeah I know, I know. A bit camp. All it needed is for me to chuck my shoes and start singing I am what I am. Anyway, her defining moment was when she was possessed by the ethereal spirit she used for her séances call Daphne and I remember doing it and having to chant the same line over and over again.
Resorts back to Arcati.
Little Tommy Tucker sings for his supper. Little Tommy Tucker sings for his supper. Little Tommy Tucker sings for his supper. Little Tommy Tucker sings for his supper.
AH!
Falls over the wall.
Bollocks! I’m gonna have to crack on really. I’ll carry on with the story but I just need to build this at the same time.
Anyway, performing as Arcati made me see the potential I had in acting. I wanted to break away from the traditional working class jobs tat were set out for people like me in Rotherham. I mean, me dad were a miner, then a mechanic and finally, a plumber. He danced once…not exactly going for CEO of the Arts Council of fuckin’ England.
Before Arcati, me dad didn’t exactly seem overjoyed about me wanting to pursue drama. In fact, he hated it. Always going on about how [in the likeness of his father] “why would you wanna do drama. There’s no money in it. Why don’t you go in to a proper trade?”
He changed his mind once he’d seen me act, changing his mind and proclaiming that I got my talent from him. Fame-hanging Bastard.
My story, in many ways, reminds me of Billy Elliot. We both came from underprivileged working class backgrounds up north, we both wanted to go in to the arts and we both had mining fathers who disapproved until they finally saw our talent.
In the likeness of Billy Elliot’s Dad.
“Ballet! Fuckin’ Ballet. It’s for girls.”
In the likeness of Billy Elliot.
“But what about that Wayne Sleep? He’s as fit as an athlete.”
I could’ve been like Billy Elliot to be fair. A dancer.
Stephen Warbeck’s Royal Ballet School from Billy Elliot plays. Begins to mimic the Billy’s dance in the sports hall – badly.
I always though it were brilliant how he stood up to his dad in that sports hall. Flicking his heels and staring ‘im dead in eyes. Although now I can’t exactly dance – never really could. I just thought I could.
Continues building the wall.
It wasn’t meant to be like this really. I could’ve done it, yeah. If I’d had only believe in myself. I remember doing Site-Specific Performance in 2nd year. What a load of shite that turned out to be. Listen to this right, I built shelves and got a 2:1. SHELVES FOR FUCKS SAKE. And now here I am building something for the rest of my fuckin’ life. Jesus Christ man. Shite fucking specific… all over again… I’m not bitter about it though.
To be honest with ya I’m just happy I had a chance, you know? I had a chance to be free for 3 years. To do what I want… and it felt good. Really fucking good, like flying or somet like that.
Speaking of flying, and ol’ birds. Kes. Barry Hines and Kes.
A proper Yorkshire man’s story, a proper story about ambition within the working classes.
Billy fuckin’ Casper mate and his bird Kes. A Kestral.
And there’s a speech in there about letting the bird free and it made me think of when I first performed in front of mi dad. I love it. I loved performing and I felt free. And Casper probably describes it best…
Puts on the falconer’s glove. In the likeness of Billy Casper.
The most exciting time was when I let her fly free for first time. I’d been flying kes ont’ creance for about a week, she was coming to me owt up to thirty, forty yards and it says int books that when it’s coming this far, straight away, it’s ready to fly loose. I daren’t though sir. I kept saying to myself, I’ll just use creance today to make sure, then I’ll fly her free tomorrow. But when tomorrow came I did same thing again. Tomorrow. Tomorrow. I did this for about a week than I got right mad with mi’sen ‘cos I knew I’d have to do it someday. So ont last night I didn’t feed her up, just to make sure that she’d be sharp set next morning. I hardly went to sleep that night, I was thinking about it too much.
I wake up and I think right, if she flies off, she flies off, and it can’t be helped. I go down shed. She’s dead keen an all, walking about on her shelf behind bars, and screaming out when she sees me coming. I take her out int field and try her on creance first time and she comes first time an’ she comes like a rocket. I think right this time.
Picks up a stuffed bird and holds it on the glove
Bear with it…
I unclip creance, take swivel off an let her hop ont fence post. There is nowt stopping her now. She just stands there with her jesses on. She can take off and there is nowt I can do about it. I am terrified. I think, she’s forced to go, she’s forced to, she’ll just fly off and that’ll be it. But she doesn’t. she just sits there looking around while I back off int field. I go right int middle, then hold mi glove up and shout her.
COME ON KES. COME ON THEN.
Pause
Nowt happened at first. Then, just as I go walk back to her, she comes. You ought to have seen her. Straight as a die, about a yeard offa floor. Ant speed! She comes twice as fast as when she had creance on, ‘cos it use to drag int grass and slow her down. She comes like lightning, head dead still and her wings never make a sound, then wham! Straight up onto mi glove, claws out grabbing fort meat. I am that please I don’t know what to do with myself. Well, that’s it. I’ve done it. I’d trained her. I trained her.
Returning to himself and continuing building the wall.
And that’s me really. I could’ve done it but I just didn’t. What more can you do? I defied my own past and got into university. I could’ve done something else but I’m doing this.
That’s the joy of coming where I come from. No one really cares where you end up… ‘cause they hated you guts in the first place.
Continues building the wall.
I’ll si’thi later then.
The lights go down. Billy, Don’t Be A Hero begins to play.
